I recently saw a close friend who traveled to Indiana after receiving a call that her grandmother’s health had turned worse and she would begin hospice care. My friend made the trip, had 5 magical days alongside her grandmother and was lucky to be there in the final moments as she peaceful passed away.

My friend returned from her trip and proclaimed, “I’m good with death now”. I was shocked by the peace she felt so quickly and acceptance. Moreso, it was just about a year ago that her father had suffered a serious heart attack and died suddenly. Her world had been rocked, and for the last year, grief became part of every holiday, birthday, and random Wednesday. I could see how difficult it was for her to navigate the heavy emotions and the shock of it all. We bonded because of this, because I too had lost my father, and still felt like a mess dealing with the emotions. If there is one thing I learned about grief, it’s better to grieve with someone than alone. But here she was, round 2 and “good” with it.

It was an incredible reminder that grief has no definition. It really never gets easier, it gets different.  Each experience is unique to that person and to the person they are grieving. With that I believe comes a deeper discussion on how to tackle this elusive emotion.

For anyone who is currently grieving, supporting someone who is grieving, or simply is looking for ways to make the grieving process easier, I’m with you, and this is what I’ve learned:

1. Give yourself permission

Grief is a process with no timeline. Some people benefit from having a big support system, while others might need some privacy before they are ready to talk. You are allowed to be lost, allowed to cry and allowed take the time you need to heal. Grief introduces a stage of vulnerability where we don’t always know what to do to make it better and that too is okay.  Furthermore, each grieving process is different. As my close friend showed, no two experiences are the exact same. It is important that you not put heavy expectation on how it will go and be willing to ask for help. The goal is to take it one day at a time. Keep moving forward with intention to heal your heart and thoughts.

2. Seek out ways to cope

Coping is dealing or accepting something in a positive manner. That said, coping is not turning self-destructive, blaming or becoming abusive.  A suggestion on ways you can begin to cope:

• Take Care of your Health. Nourish your body with healthy foods, water, vitamins, Get rest. Avoid alcohol and drugs. Meditate. Feed your soul with activities that bring you joy, whether that is a walk with a friend, listening to music, painting, physical activity or whatever works for you. Then take a deep moment of gratitude for your living, breathing soul.
• Seek professional help. Not everyone has the tools to navigate a difficult grieving process and a professional can help guide you. You will still do the work, and reap all the benefits, but don’t be afraid to acknowledge that you may need a professional to walk along side you through your grief journey. Often churches have grief groups or seek out a professional therapist through your primary care doctor.
• Talk, write, pray, listen — When you are ready. Speak about your emotions, talk about your thoughts. Journaling is very therapeutic as is drawing if the words just don’t come to you. The act of taking a thought or emotion and putting it on paper, canvas, rocks, whatever….that in itself a release. These acts can offer great healing power.
• Set positive goals. Without overwhelming yourself, set some goals for yourself. Things that you want to work toward. Prioritize that your living soul needs to keep living.

3. Lead with Empathy for the person grieving.

Do not start with “I know what you are going through.” That is a quick way to dismiss someone’s emotions that are far too personal. Instead, offer compassion for them by saying, “I want to understand how you are feeling.” or “I’m here for you if you want to talk or need someone to support you.” Identifying yourself as someone who is open to whatever comes out – tears, anger, laughter, etc… just being open and present is a great starting point.

Ask for guidance, “Is it okay if I check in on you?” “Would it be okay if I called this weekend just to talk?” This is much more effective that saying “If you need me, you know where to find me.” Often grievers over-analyze their fragile state, which makes the whole thing worse. So if someone offers them an empathetic gesture, it allows for a safer place to be vulnerable together.